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In Memory of my daughter, Ally
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My daughter, Ally, took her life on 7/6/06 at 22 yrs of age. It's difficult to understand why she choose to do this.
Entry for September 10, 2006

It's been 2 months now since my daughter, Ally, committed suicide.  Life does go on for the living but things are forever changed in my life.  You may wonder how it feels to lose a child?  More importantly, how it feels to lose a child by suicide?  It's hard to put my feelings into words. 

Losing Ally feels like ...

I was standing on a beach with my back to the ocean and a huge wave hit me, unexpectedly.  It hit me with so much force that it knocked me forward into the sand.  The salt water swept over me, churning around me, and pounding me down.  It entered my eyes, my nose, and my mouth, stinging me and almost drowning me.  I choked and struggled and wanted to be swept away into the ocean to escape the pain that I was suffering but the wave dissipated.  It left me laying there, dazed, weak and feeling miserable.  That is how Ally's death has impacted me.

I don't know if things will ever get better for me.  I understand that they do, eventually, get better.  The pain that the 'survivors' suffer diminishes with time.  I think that I will always struggle with trying to understand why I couldn't help my daughter - or save her.  That is what mothers are supposed to do, isn't it?  I guess, in a way, that makes me a failure of some sort.

I received Ally's medical records and it turns out that she was diagnosed at 20 years old with bipolar II disorder and borderline personality traits.  It is now apparent to me that she had severe mental illness and needed a lot more help than she was receiving.  She never told me or anyone else about this.  She kept it a secret and tried to manage her life and her illness on her own.  My logical self understands that there is nothing that I could have done to save her unless she shared her pain with me.  Regardless, I will always dream of a perfect day, in a perfect world, where I saved her.

2006-09-11 02:44:40 GMT
Comments (5 total)
I can relate to your feelings. I, too, have a close family member with Bipolar disorder. Though I watch them self medicate everyday, I know the only thing I can do is be there when she needs me. I am truly sorry for your loss.
--a. sund
2006-09-17 00:19:39 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. As a mother, i think your right, If an adult child or anyone who tries to take their life, should have their rights taken away so they can't make desisions for themselfs untill they are proved to be sound of mind. And their gaurdian thinks there okay.
2006-10-05 02:47:56 GMT
I knew ally in high school and though we weren't great friends her story has impacted me very much so. I have also been on anti depressants for most of my life and still find it very hard to sometimes make it through the day. I visit her website quite often and think it is a very sweet thing you have done for her. I know in my heart that losing her does not make you a failure of any sort. I will never forget ally's story and will always hope for you to be happy one day.
2006-10-21 08:33:31 GMT
It is hard to hear that a friend passed away so young. I still find it unimaginable. I can remember Ally since elementary school. We were in a class or two together and I always remember her being a studious student and cheerful. Time passed and the next time our paths crossed was in the junior year of High School. I think she was one of the few girls who would give me the time of day to actually talk to her. I find it hard to believe that she suffered from depression. It doesn’t make sense to me…

I can recall so many times of her smiling, laughing, and joking. However, there was a specific time when she came to English class excited about a new stereo that had been put in her car. At the end of class that day I seen her in the parking lot and she showed me this spectacular sound system. As she fiddled with the buttons on the stereo deck she joked about just simply wanting to “turn the volume up”. She gave me a ride home in her car; meanwhile, testing the limits of the stereo. Truly a moment I can’t forget.

A few days later she told me she was leaving our High School. She didn’t really say why exactly.

After she left High School I noticed her walking in the mall one day. I wrote her number down and jokingly stated that when I got my car and stereo, I would then take her for a ride so that we could “test the limits”. It was quite unfortunate when I finally got my car a month later and I couldn’t find the number to call.

It’s too bad that we lost touch. I remember Ally being a truly unique individual among so many other students striving for acceptance. I never got the impression that Ally was trying to “fit in” but rather that she was who she was and could care less about what others thought of her. Which is one of the qualities that I most admired about Ally.

I try to reminisce and contemplate if I ever seen Ally unhappy during this time of knowing her; however, it seems effortless. My fond memories of Ally will remain to be fond memories nevertheless. I feel fortunate to have met a person like Ally in my life and have feelings of ambivalence regarding her taking her own life. Although she is no longer with us, I know that her kindness persists in the memories of the people who knew her as a friend.

--Gilbert Gonzales
2006-12-23 12:49:49 GMT
This is like reliving everything for me. I also lost my daughter to suicide. She was 22 years old, and she died 7/17/05. I can really relate to everything you write in this blog. As of today, 4/7/08, I can only say that faith was what got me thru the first two years. I am still mourning, the pain never stops, but I take it one day at a time. My heart goes out to you. May you find peace in knowing that you will see her again one day... blessed be.
2008-04-08 02:09:39 GMT
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